Katlyn - "Through my challenges with alopecia I was faced with redefining my own beauty standards.”
If you were to ask me four years ago what my favorite thing about myself was, I would have, without hesitation, said “my hair”. In my eyes, my hair was one of my most defining features and greatest sources of confidence. “Who am I going to be when all of my hair falls out?”, was one of the many thoughts racing through my mind as I secretly collected a fistful of hair under my desk in the middle of my master’s class. “What are people going to think of me?”, I worried as I watched hair clog up the shower drain. “How am I or anyone else ever going to love me?”, I thought, tears running down my face as I brushed out clumps of my golden-brown locks. I tortured myself with these thoughts over the course of six months as I lost my hair, eyelashes, eyebrows, and all other hair (yes, ALL hair) on my body. I have alopecia; an autoimmune disorder that causes hair loss. And even though I’d been diagnosed with this condition since the age of ten, losing quarter-sized patches of hair every few years or so that would eventually grow back, I never imagined that I might one day be bald. My family and friends were more than supportive and encouraging of my hairstyle change. But, as I continued to lose more and more hair, I was filled with this feeling that my own body was betraying me. Nothing I was doing was helping, not even the painful steroid injections in my scalp. “How am I ever going to feel beautiful?”, I shamefully thought as I scrolled through my Instagram feed of women, not a single one of them without hair. Shame grew to anxiety as I felt my confidence and identity crumbling around me. It wasn’t until I saw Jeana Turner, an alopecian model, on America’s Next Top Model, that I gained the courage to go fully bald. After hearing her story and seeing her go through the same struggle, I knew I could do it too—I could be a baldie. The day I ran may clippers down the middle of my head was one of the most empowering moments of my life. I was no longer hiding my alopecia, and in that moment, the weight of my shame and anxiety was lifted. I relate my journey with alopecia with the life cycle of the lotus flower. The lotus flower is unique because it starts its life underwater, buried in the mud. The plant slowly works its way through the muck to the surface of the water to bloom into a beautiful flower. In Buddhist tradition, the lotus flower represents the challenges we must go through in life to reach enlightenment. Through my challenge of hair loss my misconceptions of beauty were broken down and I experienced a radical shift in my body image. In our society, we are primed to define beauty by outward traits and are constantly exposed to unrealistic beauty standards—thin, tan, photoshopped models with beautiful hair. Through my challenges with alopecia I was faced with redefining my own beauty standards. And if you were to ask me today what my favorite thing about myself is, I’ll say my kindness, empathy, and creativity. I now know that there is so much more to me than my hair and my outward appearance and I have truly never been more comfortable in my skin, bald head and all. Of course, there are still days where I feel self-conscious, but I’m no longer defining my entire being on the way I look, and that was my own enlightenment in my journey toward self-love.
Q & A
DO YOU HAVE TO ADDRESS STEREOTYPES ASSOCIATED WITH YOUR APPEARANCE?
I frequently have people ask me if I have cancer or assume that I shaved my head by choice. These assumptions are not correct. I try to take those moments as an opportunity to educate and raise awareness about alopecia, which helps me find peace in dealing with intrusive questions and assumptions.
WHAT DOES A HEALTHY BODY IMAGE MEAN TO YOU?
Having a healthy body image means being accepting and appreciative of your body. You don’t have to necessarily love or even feel positive about your body to be able to appreciate your body and all that it does for you.
WHAT DO YOU LOVE AND APPRECIATE ABOUT YOUR BODY?
First and foremost, I love and appreciate my bald head for helping me expand my own understanding and experience of beauty. I also love and appreciate my smile for helping me express and spread love to others. And I love and appreciate my legs for allowing me to dance through life.
HOW DO YOU FEEL WE CAN SEE BODIES DIFFERENTLY AND HELP OTHERS DEVELOP A HEALTHIER BODY IMAGE?
We can start to see bodies differently by understanding that no bodies are alike. There is really no point in trying to define bodies as “good” or “bad”, no reason to place judgments on others’ bodies, and no reason to compare our own bodies to others. Every single body is different and unique.
WHAT IS A SHORT PIECE OF ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE TO OTHERS THAT MAY SHARE SIMILAR EXPERIENCES?
“I am not this hair. I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within.”- Rumi—I found much peace in this quote when I was going through my hair loss journey. It helped me begin to understand that we, as human beings, are so much more than what one sees on the outside. We are complex beings with the capacity to love, spread kindness, empathize, create, and share knowledge, none of which has anything to do with our looks, skin, or hair.