Janelle - "My value isn’t tied to my body."
I have always been a fat person or had a bigger body than some of the other folx around me. I was teased a lot in grade school for being fat and kids would tell me that I could never win at the schoolyard games because I was too fat to run. When I was in middle school I moved to a much more white and affluent area that laid on the shame in a much thicker form. I was othered by many of the people around me and it was made much plainer that I was not going to be accepted due to my fat body. Boys at my school either deeply sexualized my body because it was more developed than the other girls around me or made me feel like I was disgusted for being fat. Things began to shift when I was in high school because I transferred schools again and went to a school that was predominantly black and the students there viewed my body differently. I looked like others there and I was viewed as attractive. After that point, I viewed my body in a rather neutral manner, but always imaging that someday I would lose weight or have a strong desire to "take care of myself." At that point I had interalized a lot of fatphobic beliefs, but just thought it was normative. I have been called horrible names. I have been fetished in gross and uncomfortable ways. I have been told that I don't care about myself and that I'm going to die. I became terrified of doctors. In my early/mid 20s I started exploring body positivity and it completely flipped the way I viewed my body. I was able to see that my value isn't tied to my body and even if it was, that my body deserves to be celebrated. I am certainly still a work in progress, but now I feel confident that I am worth the work and no one will ever make me feel like I have to change my body in order to be treated with respect again. Ever.
Q & A
WHAT EXPERIENCES IN YOUR LIFE HAVE HAD THE BIGGEST EFFECT ON YOUR BODY IMAGE?
Honestly finding the podcast "She's all fat" - that was my introduction to the concept of body positivity and allowed me to find a community of fat people who didn't hate themselves and didn't view their current fat bodies as temporary bodies that needed to be changed. Being able to hear all my thoughts and feelings reflected back to me from complete strangers empowered me and changed my whole relationship with my body.
WHAT STEREOTYPES DO YOU FEEL ARE ASSOCIATED WITH YOU AND YOUR BODY?
People generally assume that I am lazy and/or super "unhealthy" because I am fat. There is a strong assumption that I only eat "bad" or "junk" food as well.
HOW DO YOU ADDRESS PEOPLE THAT FAT-SHAME OR CRITICIZE YOU AS GLORIFYING AN “UNHEALTHY” LIFESTYLE?
Honestly a lot of the time I ignore them; it's not my job to make them feel differently about my body because I know the only opinions and feelings that matter are my own. If I do engage I ask questions about what they deem as healthy and where they learned that or ask them about their assumptions. Mostly I want them to feel stupid for making assumptions about me when in reality they know nothing about my "lifestyle" or my relationship with my body and I want them to see how harmful that is to the other fat people in their life because if they feel alright doing it to me they certainly will do it to others.
WHAT DOES A HEALTHY BODY IMAGE MEAN TO YOU?
I think it means feeling confident that my body is my own, for appreciating all that it can do for me and does do for me. It means knowing that I am allowed to make my own choices and that no one knows what me and my body experience but me and my body. I am allowed to make changes if I want to, but that there is no obligation, moral or otherwise, to look any certain way or live in kind of "lifestyle." For me, "healthy" means knowing that me and my body are a team, not enemies and that only I get to decide if we are going to be a team that works together. My goal in life is to experience as much joy as I can and I'm never going to have an experience that my body is not included in. I want my body to be there with me in my joy, not something I see as a barrier to that joy
DO YOU LOVE AND APPRECIATE ASPECTS OF YOUR BODY?
Absolutely I do. I appreciate and love that my body is strong, that it carries me through this world, and holds me in every moment. I love that my body is mine. I love the art that I have added to my body and that having a fat body gives me a bigger canvas to carry the things that are important to me. I LOVE my tattoos. They are something that I originally started getting to increase my love for my body. I made a choice to pick parts of my body that I had hated before like my upper arms and thighs and now I love those parts of my body. I want to show them off now and I really love my arms and legs now.
HOW DO YOU FEEL WE CAN SEE BODIES DIFFERENTLY AND HELP OTHERS DEVELOP A HEALTHIER BODY IMAGE?
I think we should start seeing bodies as their own and stop expecting there to be a "one size fits all" mentality. Every body is unique and there is no ONE version of "health" so we need to stop subscribing to that idea. I also wish that people were taught from a young age that their body is their ally and can help them achieve their goals, not be something that needs to be overcome or changed in order to be worthy. Like many things in life, if we were taught to lead with love and curiosity a lot of us would experience our bodies differently.
WHAT IS A SHORT PIECE OF ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE TO OTHERS THAT MAY SHARE SIMILAR EXPERIENCES?
Your body is your own and there is no wrong way for it to exist. You can make changes if you want to, but make sure it's rooted in YOU and what YOU want. And learn to listen to your body, it talks to us and it sucks to be ignored and you don't have to do to yourself. Also read "The Body is Not an Apology" by Sonya Renee Taylor - it's an incredibly powerful book that allows some guidance in how to lead with love and curiosity.