Sydney - “My body image quickly became a problem when I was around 12, around two years after my parents divorced.”
Whenever someone comments on your build, you go on autopilot, and for me, this happened for the first time when I was 12. The first time I was looked at from head-to-toe by family members, I was immediately aware that I was not “average.” As a young child, I grew up in a very comforting home; my parents were sound, I had an older sister, and I was truly the happiest I’d ever been. My body image quickly became a problem when I was around 12, around two years after my parents divorced. I would eat out of boredom, of sadness, of happiness—any emotion you can think of, and I was eating it. I developed depression as a result of the divorce, and this only heightened my ability to eat my feelings. It allowed me an excuse to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. It gave me an out that I thought I deserved, an out that I believed I would never let get past 120lbs. The doctor terrifies me to this day, as each time, they weigh you as procedure; each time, I stare at the number on that scale and start berating myself. Telling myself that I am disgusting, fat, never able to lose weight. Telling myself that I am worth nothing more than the food I shove into my mouth. As a result of emotional eating, then restricting, I 10,000% believe I have an eating disorder, but have never been formally diagnosed.
Q & A
IN WHAT WAYS HAS BODY CULTURE INFLUENCED THE PERSPECTIVE OF YOUR BODY?
When my parents got divorced, I instantly fell into a state of depression, eating and eating anything we had in the house. Was I hungry? I didn’t know. I didn’t care. That’s when people began viewing my body as an object rather than a human with feelings. Some family members would comment on my weight from the minute I turned 12, but they did it subtly, like “Are you sure you need that second plate?” or “You need new jeans again?” I became obsessed with staring at my stomach, pinching my thighs, making sure that I didn’t walk so quickly that you could see the jiggling of my hips. I would scroll through Instagram and see friends at the gym and think, “Why can’t you do that?”. I would throw up in bathroom stalls. I’d shrug off the worried glances from my friends and teachers as I slowly became smaller and smaller. I would eat secretly at night and then starve myself for a few days, or only eat once a day. It was like I was high; literally feeding off my own body fat, knowing that I was causing damage, but not having enough self-esteem to care.
DO STEREOTYPES EXIST FOR YOUR BODY?
As a 4’10” individual, I have always been stocky in the middle areas (hips, thighs, stomach). As much as I want to believe that this is normal, that this is okay, I simply cannot bring myself to recognize that. As a queer person who identifies as a lesbian, there are so many images of women who are skinny and not at all carrying weight like I have had to my entire life. This has made me feel invalidated, as I cannot imagine someone my size being able to find love or acceptance within a partner, let alone myself.
WHAT DOES A HEALTHY BODY IMAGE MEAN TO YOU?
To me, a healthy body means an accepted one. One that may have stretch marks, larger thighs, facial and body acne…you name it. One that others may seem as larger, as different, as abnormal. One that you can walk around and know that you’re a valued person, with feelings and emotions that matter.
DO YOU LOVE AND APPRECIATE ASPECTS OF YOUR BODY?
I truly, wholeheartedly, love my eyes. As far as I know, I am one of three (other two being my cousins) people in my immediate family to have green or hazel eyes. Mine are a murky green that kind of resembles a forest, but a forest that is lit by sunlight instead of moonlight. They are by far the one thing I would never change about myself.
WHAT IS A PIECE OF ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE TO OTHERS THAT MAY SHARE SIMILAR EXPERIENCES?
Society needs to change. While self-acceptance is something that comes with time, the body influencers and “body positive” community have already determined what is acceptable. As for advice, I’ll quote something that my therapist said to me one summer day: “Your weight does not define your worth to the world.”